Willing and Able

This is your due month, and once again this month seems so excruciatingly slow. I haven't written about Ezra in a moment publicly. I keep telling myself that time is truly a thief. It truly is crazy how it’s been over a year since I gave birth to her. Over this last year and some change I still have been able to see the goodness that is to carry a child like her. I think the most difficult part about the “measurement of her life” is that she could have lived if she did not have her diagnosis, because we were to a point of viability outside of the womb. I remember holding her sweet self, and just looking at her thinking “you have it all”. A head, heart, fingers, toes, all the features. She simply was not created to live here on earth with me, and her dad.

I was in church the other day, and someone was speaking on the despair of the Lord. Where we wish, and we cry out to the Lord to change our circumstances. Where in those moments we doubt the goodness of God. We question if he is able, or even willing. However my take away from this was that our God is able, and our God is willing. Remembering though that our idea of His willingness to change our circumstance may not be the earthly expectation WE WANT. Because we each have this idea of who God is, or he needs to be for us in difficult seasons. Understanding though that our God is fully able, and willing and sometimes though that change or outcome may not be the desire you’re looking for in the earthly way. We must always fix our eyes and hearts towards him to understand what he is fully able to do not in the earthly sense. 

I remember in the early days of her diagnosis, waiting for each test to come back, each scan to come to see the new finds. I remember just hoping someone was wrong, and that it was an earthly desire, not a selfish one because hoping and wishing you can parent your child here is never selfish. I remember just praying that maybe my test got mixed up, or my scan did and what they saw wasn’t Ezra. That Ezra would be able to grow and live here. That was not our reality, and that is NOT okay, but learning to understand that I have a child who never had to fight for her salvation she just had it, I have a child who not only got to walk into eternity, SHE RAN there as fast as she could to get there. She never was hurt, all she is perfect, and ran into ultimate perfection.

I just want to say that our God is always able and FULLY willing. Oftentimes though in the hard we can’t see it though. It takes a really long time to see his willingness sometimes. In the valley of the shadows of death it is super hard to see his full plan, and still some days it is so hard to believe that there is redemption and there can be hope and healing, there is though. I will add I have not seen his full willingness because that will happen when I die. I will get to see that he was always able and always willing in eternity. I stand here seeing glimpses of it. That there is redemption, and there is healing.