ELEVEN MONTHS WITHOUT EZRA

11 months. She is almost 1. Which is crazy because on this day we had our 20 week anatomy scan for Ezra, and little did we know that our whole world would stop, and crush us. We did not know then, what we know now more and more evidently. We now know at a greater magnitude that fertility is a true gift from above, we now know that having a pregnancy that ends in a living child should be far more valued than it is. We now see that there are many individuals around us that take for granted what a gift it is, and it should never be taken for granted.

Often times I hear of many families doing early genetic testing to check and see if there are any chromosome anomalies, and to me that is wonderful, but I often think that these families have not processed what a weight these tests do carry, and these families do not actually know what they would do if there was chromosome anomaly flag in there testing, or any high risk health flag in their testing.

I know for me God willing He does allow us to carry another child, but if we decided to do early genetic testing, I would be preparing myself for all the possibilities of it not ending in a living child because a chromosome disorder occurs again. I also know for myself because once I was there, I would be preparing myself for all the bad things to occur. I would live in all the dark places for a while. I think these tests are a great option, but know and fully understand the weight that they do carry, that these tests are not for “fun”. They are not an excuse to find out the gender early. Oftentimes it is thrown that way which makes it 100 times more difficult for families who have walked the road of child loss because of a chromosome anomaly that did occur.

I look at our 20 week scan and often think how did I not know she wasn’t going to make it? I often think I am her mother. I should have known, but I was far too naive to realize it. I then went back to if I had known sooner would it have changed anything? I honestly believe it would not have changed a thing. It would have changed that we knew sooner, but the options that you are given of termination, or to choose to carry as long as she wants to stay. I would have still chosen to carry as far as I could. I say to anyone who asks I would do it ALL over again. Time and time again even with the same ending. Every child is valuable, and deserves a chance. Every life is precious, something I clung to was “I did not choose when her life started, and I certainly do not get to choose when it ends.” That ultimately was the Lord's choice, I was made to love her, and give her a home here until God called her home. I was simply her vessel for her to make it to eternity.

It is pretty beautiful that she is almost 1, and she is doing so much I just know it. I know there will be a party, I wish I could see it, and be there. I am looking forward to seeing what Kevin and I do to celebrate her a little extra that day. She’s celebrated and loved everyday by us. As heartbreaking as it is, she deserves to be celebrated, and remembered this year, and every year after this one.

From the month of September to October I will be pushing a few non profits that I have found during our time of loss,and grieving. These organizations have done wonders for us, and they were spaces that I never knew existed amidst my grief. I took a lot of time to find these places so please look into them to also share with others. Because support changes everything, and it truly changes these stories for the better.

I would love it if any of you felt led to celebrate her with us, for her birthday we would love it if you would donate to

1. Abel Speaks please make a donation in Ezra Kay Oum’s name

https://abelspeaks.org/give/

1. Kennedy’s baby Gowns. This organization makes baby gowns out of donated wedding dresses, and they send a special box for you to carry all the mementos of your child.

https://kennedysangelgowns.org/?form=donate

1. Glory bay Gowns. This is a similar organization to Kennedy’s. They also curate a box for mementos for your child.

https://glorybabyministry.org/donate/

These organizations have changed our life for the better. These organizations are fully donor funded, and their mission is to connect families like ours, help families like ours, and to

celebrate each baby, and each precious life. Because every child deserves to be loved, and celebrated. I always say I am blessed to have carried a child who got to go right to eternity, and how blessed I am that my child brings light to the Kingdom of God, and she was made perfect, to build up His kingdom.