Ten Months

Phew… time is a thief. I will probably say that every day until my very last breath. It has been 10 months since I gave birth to a child who reached perfection far before me. 10 whole months of loving and missing her from here, and to me that is absolutely insane how time keeps going when your whole world has stopped. Some days it seems like just yesterday, and you truly blink and you look back and time is fleeting. Something that we are often told especially when you are a parent is “it goes by so fast.” Which is so true, I believe it goes far faster especially when you are grieving. For me I know it goes so fast because I wish I could press stop just for a moment so I can just dwell, and sit and let my soul ache. It aches every day, and it doesn't get easier. We will never move on. We just learn how to pivot and live with it.

These last few months have been so beautifully broken. As I am reminded of His goodness, even when it doesn’t feel good. A few weeks ago we went to our first Abel Speaks retreat, and what a monumental time where our baby was celebrated, and so many of Ezra’s friends were celebrated there too. I am reminded that He never meant for us to live this life alone, we are meant to live in community. It really helps when your community understands, and just “gets it.”

Over that weekend I meant Owen’s mommy, and she asked to see a picture of Ezra, and that was so special we got to both share our baby’s with each other, and delight in them. Share our children’s story with people who genuinely want to know, and hear about it, and who are not uncomfortable either because we all went through the most traumatic event that can ever happen to someone. Physical child death is the most traumatic event that can happen to someone, it is backed by science, and psychology on how traumatic it is.

I also learned how grief carries on and on. I learned that grief does not go away even when you have a pregnancy after a loss like ours. PAL (pregnancy after loss) especially a still born child is far scarier and far more anxious ridden than it ever was prior. There will never be a day where naivety does not live there, and sometimes it feels like you are robbed of some innocence and bliss of what a “normal pregnancy” can look like. That’s where living with open hands comes into play, but man is that a very difficult practice to live out when all you want to do is close your hands and clench them and never let go. 

Recently I was reminded of a worship song that I did not know then, but I need it today, and everyday. It was written and sung by Hilary Scott, Lady A’s lead singer. A while ago she went through a miscarriage or a few, and I am not minimizing a miscarriage, but it is far different than pregnancy and stillbirths. Even in Hilary’s pain she was able to create something so beautiful.  I was listening to the song, and was reminded of these truths. Remembering that it is okay to acknowledge and say that I know you are good, but it does not feel good, and that he is God and we are not.

As I was listening to these words that hold great meaning. To be reminded that he does still make joy, even in the depths of the valleys. I will say though these reminders are far easier said than done, but it is beautiful to hear. She also says that “I know you see me I know you hear me Lord, your plans are for me.” It often can feel isolating, and it is. Truthfully you never feel more alone when you are in the valleys, but to remember He does love you, and He does see you, and His plans are good even when you don’t see it or feel it. He will carry you and sustain you. 

I say all these as reminders to you, and also myself. Because I know we live in a world where others minimize our feelings, or we even do it to ourselves. Minimizing your feelings only makes it worse, it’s even worse when loved ones make you feel minimized. When loved ones should not, but often they do. I write and say these truths because it is so important that you don’t minimize your feelings, and you certainly do not let others. It is valid, and so important to process your feelings, and it is OKAY to do. Allow time to hold space for your feelings, and allow yourself to feel them. It is also so important that you are gentle, and kind to yourself. I remember that was a huge practice I had to do, because the devil is tricky, and likes to come and seek kill and destroy. It is so IMPORTANT that you speaks love and truth over yourself, and be so kind and so gentle to yourself.