Nine Months

It’s hard for me to comprehend how time keeps going, and we are coming up onto Ezra’s one year mark. She is now 9 months old. How did time go on? Especially in the depths of grief. Sometimes it seems super sudden that she passed, and some days it feels like it’s been a long time. Everyday I see her in everything, and long to know her, and meet her. That is a feeling I will never shake, always longing for her. 

Lately I have rested in the space of forever, and what that means. Which forever is a really complex concept if you really think about it in depth. Many times in this life we say that things last forever, and that this life is never going to end. That each day and each moment will last a whole lifetime. In actual reality this life ends, and there is no “forever” here. I think one of the most beautiful things about eternity is that there will be no end, and I know people talk about what eternity will be like, but we speak on it in such an earthly way. 

I think about my longing to know Ezra will never end. It will end in eternity. I rest often in the thought of eternity that there is no means to that end. That heaven lasts for forever, and we get to laugh, and delight in every single thing that gives us joy, and find new things to find joy in! 

This constant longing often makes my heart break because I knew her from the inside, she was so neat to understand from the inside. I think many people take for granted while they are pregnant, that the life you carry has so much personality INSIDE you. I wonder lots if she still loves all the things she liked in my womb, and what else she has discovered and loves in heaven. 

This past fourth of July we go to celebrate, and grieve her, but not alone at all. We were with so many families like ours that have experienced a loss like ours. This time was so special, and I am forever grateful for the community we have within this loss community. I loved that each of our children were so intentionally honored, and just LOVED. Sharing with mom’s who WANT to know about Ezra was so amazing, to hear other mom’s talk about their babies was so beautiful. It was so beautiful to see Kevin share Ezra too with others who WANT to know as well. The time was so refreshing, and a lot of healing that my mommy heart needed. I will never be fully healed until I meet her again, but that time was truly special.