A Letter to My Heart

Oh dear friends of mine, I decided to write this one because Holidays are so incredibly hard. I wrote one about Christmas, and while at that time I would have been in my third trimester and preparing for a new baby. This time we are gearing up to Easter. For some reason this “celebration” exhausts me, and makes me feel so sad. I want to write this as a reminder to myself, but also for anyone who reads this, and feels similar feelings.

Towards the end of March I started to just feel so sad, and so upset and I really could not pinpoint why. Then Easter started to approach and my grieving heart just could not stop. As I say so often, time is a thief, and it truly is. Because I look at our due date, and 2023 was a year that was supposed to have so many firsts Stepping into physical motherhood, and delighting in a new baby. Experiencing her firsts, like smiling, laughing, rolling over. ALL THE BABY THINGS. Instead I got a whole different version of firsts, learning how to grieve, what it looks like, and healing. It is not linear and there is no “right way” at all to grieve.

As I look into Easter and remember the significance of Easter, on what it “should mean”. I want to say that it is OKAY, if your meaning of Easter is different. There are many times in this season of celebration of how “He is Risen”, how he conquered death, but you wish so desperately that the person you love would conquer death here, and rise here as well. Where we live in a fallen world and that just does not happen. I want to say that it is valid if you don’t feel in your heart to celebrate, or proclaim the “goodness of God”. To anyone who is walking in the heavy season that He is big enough. He is ready for it all, let me tell you about my God real quick. He can take my questioning, he can take my anger, and my sadness, and whatever other feelings I have. He is SO BIG to take whatever it may be. He also is READY to take on whatever you have in your heart and soul.

I just want this to be a reminder of being so gracious to yourself, or others around you. These days and seasons may not be the same for you, or the next person next to you. It is OKAY and VALID to feel your own feelings. So if you show up to an Easter Celebration, or don’t show up it is OKAY. God understands. In a post I read it says “The same Jesus who said “I am the resurrection and the life, also said “ Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Jesus does not judge you or your feelings, he can take it.

As I often say “I cannot wait until he comes, and he makes every sad thing untrue.” I look forward to the day where I do not have to be sad, AND happy. For now though I will sit where I am, and take this season as it is. I will not wish it away because he wrote this in my story for a reason, and he will always be glorified even in my grief.