1/12/2023

Time is a thief. I find myself saying that all the time. As time goes on, and as we figure out how to go on, it is so scary. Because in my heart and in my mind I would love to go back. Back to still being pregnant. To delight in all the things that pregnancy was to me, no matter how sick I was, I would love to go back. I miss her little booty shakes, and all her movements when her dad would talk to her. What is so special is she knew us, and always will. I just miss her. I also will say with full confidence even knowing her diagnosis I would do it all over again and again. This journey has taught me so much about love, how to love from a way deeper place than the normal human would. It has taught me how to live in the AND. That joy AND grief, or whatever feelings are mixed up in there can go hand-in-hand all at once. I have learned how to go deep within my soul and see what truly matters at the end of the day. It has truly taught me so so much.

Fun fact this is our due month, because there truly is no day now to anticipate. I think often of all that was taken away from us. I think about how my gender reveal never happened. I never got to have a baby shower, I never got to decorate a nursery. I never got to hear her cry, or smile. All of it because it was all taken from us far before we could ever anticipate the joy, instead we got joy and grief. We are the blessed ones who get to figure out how to make her life meaningful even if so much was taken, we can still make it so beautiful. I was at my parents house and we were looking at the space where Ezra has a shadow box, and some other things. There is a beautiful painting a dear friend made for us of three rose buds, in remembrance and in honor of the baby I had lost, and ones before Ezra, and it is a space to remember them. ALL of the sweet baby’s. My dad said to me “I will never forget about her” and in my heart it just felt so good to hear someone else say, and speak of your baby that they will always remember her. Which tells me her life did and does still hold so much meaning.

So we are now 3 months postpartum. What should be is we should be awaiting her arrival, but I believe even though she never came physically here she is in the perfect place where they celebrated her arrival. She is always welcomed in a place that is so full of LOVE and JOY. I think often about the moment in time where she got to meet Jesus. How Jesus knew her story before me, and Kevin did. How when she took her last breath inside of me, and her little heart stopped and she was in perfection, because she reached perfection. I think that is insane. I just cannot fathom the joy,and excitement Jesus has had for her, and how she just got to be in front of our creator. It is absolutely just wild to me. I think of all the family there that was ready to meet her, and delight in her for all that she is,and was created to be. She is living vividly and wild there, where she could never live here. What an image.

What a joy it is to live here now on this side of eternity. A joy to try to understand our creator on a deeper level. To one day have living children and tell them all about their big sister Ezra. I cannot wait to share her with them. I also know there will be an angst in my heart because she should be here. I guess one day at a time, and we will all one day reunite with her. I can’t wait until every sad thing becomes untrue.