2/12/2023

This year I am focusing a lot on what it means to have GRATITUDE. What it truly and ultimately means to be grateful, and thankful. In the depths of my pain and grief I am still grateful. One of the things I say as hard as it is to stay here, and keep living my belief is that she would want to share her story to show that there still can be gratitude and gratefulness. It also does not have to be super huge, it can be simply the gratefulness that I woke up. She would want me to stay here to continue to be her vessel and her voice to share her everywhere I go.

Four months when in reality we should be close to one month, because last month was our due month. I feel like January kept going on, and on. It was a month that was the absolute slowest time. It reminded me a lot of September, and part of October. Those two months were what we called the waiting period, or the in between. Where we were told that she would not live here, and we were awaiting her diagnosis, and then we were awaiting her to go meet Jesus.

Lately I have been listening to a podcast that I had found in between times, and it is just a place where mom’s share their loss of their baby’s. A safe space that is not so isolating. Anyways this episode was of a mom who was sharing that her daughter did not have a skull, or a brain. They were told that they could carry her to term, but she would not live long here, BUT she would live in her womb. One of the most beautiful time’s of life is pregnancy. That we as women are made to carry His children. We are allowed to feel what life is like inside of us. It is one of the most wild times, and the joy that it is to know someone from the inside is super amazing. It is truly a gift from God.

I remember I was in a sermon at church and he was speaking about the womb, and how God created the womb with so much intention. The gift of it all is truly amazing. What a woman’s body can do is so amazing, even if you know the life you are carrying will never touch here. It still can be so beautiful.

On January 18,2023 I got the opportunity to share Ezra’s story on a Podcast. It was a joy and an honor to share her, and her story. I make it my life’s mission to share her.

She is my greatest joy, and my greatest accomplishment. All my children will be.

My hope and my purpose is to make this loss less isolating. I hope that anyone who hears this if this is your journey, or someone you may know that is not so lonely. I also speak solely on her diagnosis. Please try not to google, and give me facts, that YES some baby’s who have her diagnosis DO live. Her diagnosis is not fully her identity, but is a huge part of who she is. Oftentimes I was told that “I am praying for a miracle that she won’t pass”. Now that is so kind to hear, especially if there is kind intention behind it. I want to understand what a miracle is? How do you measure what a miracle is?

Let me explain mine, she is and always will be a miracle. I think back and I read, and read a lot about baby’s with her diagnosis how many like her were miscarried, or even terminated. To me it is a miracle that she stayed a fighter, and she beat so many odds. The miracle is that she had a longer life than most girls with her diagnosis. She is and always will be a miracle. Even though she did not not touch here, her life is not less than. It is a gift and miracle to have fertility, and to carry a baby that far was such an honor, and a gift.

The podcast I did will be linked as well, I hope anyone and everyone gives it a listen, and is shared to others. I hope it gives someone hope, even if child loss is not your story. I hope you see yourself in it, but mostly the hope of Jesus. Something I did not mention, but I do say no matter your story you are seen and loved. Whatever you are walking is seen and grieved and celebrated.