7 MONTHS

Two hundred thirteen days without you my love. Seven whole months. That is such a long, but short time. How each day goes on it is so sad, and so heartbreaking how time is truly a thief. How it feels like just yesterday those two lines showed up, and our life was forever changed, for the better. I knew that this was going to be the best journey yet. It still is, but of course so different now. I want to speak on a few different things that have been lingering here for a moment now.

One is from the time we found out she wasn’t going to stay here, and to the moment we found out she passed. I remember on September 13 at 1:15 my OB called me to tell me the earth shattering news. How in a way we had to buckle up for this very long and hard journey. From that call to the last four weeks of her life was filled with so many appointments. From the time of that call to her passing I was seen twice a week, and none of those appointments were happy appointments. They were all appointments to await her passing. One of the HARDEST things I truly do not think anyone can understand is how much strength it takes to walk into an OB office knowing that one of these times your OB will utter the words “I am so sorry there is no heartbeat”. I remember on September 26 she had one very strong heartbeat and this was around the time our MFM predicted her passing, and she didn't, which was so amazing, but also so heartbreaking because I still knew it was going to happen. I remember that these last weeks were so long they were so exhausting to just wait. I hated waiting because in my heart I wanted the waiting to be over so I could grieve it all. I did not want her to go, but I also knew it was inevitable. One thing I always told her was “if you get tired of fighting you can let go”. I meant it.

One thing I know to be true was she was holding on to meet her aunts and uncles ALL of them. So she knew her mom, and dad, all her grandparents but one aunt she did not meet yet was my oldest sister Christine. So the last weeks of her life she was moving so extra, and doing the MOST to just show up, and show out. Her Aunt Christine was here, and she got to meet her, and then that very next week Ezra moved on to her next life, and that was eternity. I just want to share the pain of it all. The waiting was the worst, and it was filled with so many emotions.

My second point is why reaching out may not be helpful. In my grief I had a specific request to protect MY PEACE, of NOT REACHING OUT. This was so we were not being bombarded with so much unnecessary communication. I know we live in a world where we are so connected, but so disconnected at the same time. Oftentimes I was told many platitudes of, “God is Good, a random scripture.” Although this may have seemed “helpful”, it indeed is not helpful. These platitudes we just rattle off for the purpose of “comfort” are not comforting AT ALL. I challenge you the next time you know someone going through an earth shattering life changing journey is to not rattle off a platitude, I challenge you to step into that difficult journey with them, and weather that storm with them. I challenge you to figure out if those platitudes are even helpful, and when YOU have had to actually apply those platitudes to your own life, and your own testimony. I will say for me those platitudes mean absolutely nothing to me, they are daily practices though, and for me to find the true meaning behind them. Because for me I want to be a sister, a friend, that can walk into any hardship my close family and friends can lean on, and just sit in the uncomfortableness of whatever it may be. I want to be the person that can speak truth, and authentic love over them. I want to be able to speak REAL wisdom into existence. I do not want to be the person that speaks platitudes as a band-aid. I want to open up that hurt and to hold space to speak about it, and sometimes there's no fixing a situation. Sometimes you need to be the person to walk into a heavy space to just sit, listen, and let it be. I challenge YOU to do the same.