6/12/2023

6/12/2023

What a time to be here, in this space knowing that you should be here. Everyday I wish you could be here. I wish that I could know and see you. It makes me sad that my way of seeing you is in the signs that I know of you. You have to come visit in my dreams. I can’t physically hold you. There are things in this life that break me. This is one of them.

Mother’s Day came, and it was a day that broke me, to think that I would have a 7 month old, or if she stayed until January she would have been about 4 months. What a wild thought of always imagining. They say the “firsts” are the hardest. To me there is no “hardest”. It is always hard. I know that even when we have living children it will be so bitter, but so sweet. Having another child will absolutely break me, especially to see the milestones our living children have that Ezra never had. I will always wonder who she would be as an earthly big sister, and not just a heavenly sibling. Where my living children will absolutely know death, and what happened to their big sibling. How her story will live on within them as well.

This is a hard month as I have been trying to rest in this place of trusting the Lord, and throwing my fears into the wind. Which is far easier said than done, because we live in a world with the scheme of deceit that we have control. Which is absolutely a scam.

I was lamenting with a friend about Ezra’s life. (thank you to my friends for letting me share her so openly, and freely.) There are so many things we say as believers especially about how this place is not our home, how we want heaven to come down. We say all these amazing beautiful things. Do we understand the magnitude of what you are saying, or proclaiming? That this place, and the life we have IS NOT OUR HOME. Where one day Jesus comes here, and he makes EVERY SAD THING UNTRUE.

This journey has taught me a lot about my faith. It has taught me and allowed me to be angry with God so so so angry. It has allowed me to question his goodness, and if he truly is a “good” God. It has taught me to be gentle with what I say, and making sure that what I am saying is authentic to Him, and honoring him. This journey has allowed me to praise Him, but it is okay to have it be hard. It has let me have a far deeper understanding of His plan, and His purpose. Don’t get me wrong though, this journey has been so difficult especially in trusting the Lord, and still believing he is good.

I want to share this because it is truly so beautiful, but absolutely so heartbreaking. Her headstone is in. Originally I was told it would be set in the first week of June, but it was set in on May 20.We were absolutely surprised. I was so prepared for the beginning of June, and it was there. It is a true sentiment of everything we wanted for her space. Nothing though prepared me for seeing it in real life, and the statement in my heart was “this is final”. Whe n you see a headstone it is a reminder that death lives here, and always will for now. It is a reminder to me that death is very much real, and we cannot escape it whatsoever.

I just want to say Kevin and I created this with so much intention, and meaning. This headstone is a beautiful representation of the love we each share and have for her.

Ezra was named with the intention of who Ezra was in the bible. Ezra was very faithful to the Lord, and he was always acting on his faith. I believe that my Ezra exuded much of Ezra from the bible. So the scripture is Ezra 8:21 “I proclaimed a fast by the Ahava River, so that we might humble ourselves before our God and ask Him for a safe journey for us, our children, and all our possessions.” Because she was born at 8:21am. Ezra and who she is to us is beautiful, and her unique story continues to challenge me, and love deeper. Her story has impacted me so much, I hope in some way her story impacts you as well.