5 Months PostPartum

3/12/2023

Five whole months postpartum. What a trip it has been, and will always be. This road is so long…

I think something that is so often looked over postpartum. Postpartum care is so overlooked living children or not. It is a brutal battle. Let me say that having and growing a human is quite a surreal experience. I want to share the difficulties of postpartum especially when your baby never stays here. Your body still changes so much during your whole pregnancy. Let me say Ezra was hiding for a bit, but after 20 weeks she was making sure she was seen and known. What a bittersweet journey that was. I was and still am so proud of my bump. 

Some of the hard things was knowing my milk would come in because past 20 weeks your hormones know that you had a child, but your hormones do not know the baby passed. The postpartum healing was not so terrible, but so hard because I had her early which we knew our time with her was so limited. I will be super open and real that I am personally not a person who battles depression, but I have severe anxiety. Severe anxiety, I remember thinking to myself that I would be fine, and that was so far off. There was a period of time that was so dark because of my anxious and intrusive thoughts. I have got the help I needed and I am in a better headspace now. 

A lot of things happened from February to now, Valentines happened and if Ezra was here that would have been her first holiday. Kevin’s birthday came and that would have been her first birthday to celebrate. It is so hard to think of her and she is simply missing here. I wonder all the time how she would be in our mix. I wonder all the time how she would be with her big cousins, her Yeay (grandma in Khmer), I wonder who she would be with her Papa and Gamma. I wonder who she would be with her aunts and uncles. I wonder ALL the time how she would be with our beautiful mix. I know and have full faith that she is in a space of love, and joy. She never gets to know the hurt of this side, but all the time I am hurting and so desperately want her here with us. Because we all know this is not how God intended the world to be but it is. This is mine, and Kevin’s reality. We have to parent a child from the clouds which is so different. 

As Kevin and I prepare to take our first family vacation, with Remy and with Ezra in our hearts she should be here. She should be traveling with all of us. Remy would watch Ezra. I know that for sure that my pup and Ezra would have the best friendship. Just the bitter and sweet side of missing and loving a child that is not here. 

I know that she is at home with Jesus soaking up all the joy that eternity has for her. I know she is not lonely, she has many dear family members there, and a few cousins, and dear friends of hers as well. I just want to paint this image in space that our earthly minds cannot fathom, but I try to because I look forward to this moment in time so so much. I can’t wait to get to heaven, where Jesus tells me “My good and faithful servant, this is what you have been waiting so long for, and she comes from behind Jesus’s robe and she yells “MOMMY I have been waiting for you”. I get to hug her and never let go. All my fears, and anxieties are gone. I never have to question why, or wonder. She is just “it”. I realize all my grief and sadness did not go unnoticed.  Where when I meet Jesus, and Ezra it will all make sense. We get to sit in heaven and just delight in all that was made for us in perfect harmony. I look forward to the moments where she gives me a tour of heaven, and where she gets to introduce me to her dear cousins, and her dear friends Reuben and Israel whom are wonderful sweet babies and their mommy’s are amazing mommy’s, and we all get to just sit in heaven and delight in each other’s children and laugh, and feel so much joy. It is an image I try to grasp. 

If you made it this far, THANK YOU! I also wanted to side note here, that I have started a blog, a blog because not everyone is friends with me on social media. Also this can be shared anywhere to anyone. I want it to be a space where we celebrate babies, no matter where they have been lost. I wanted to make a space where it’s just safe for any and all. I also know that pregnancy loss may not be what is going on in your personal life, but I promise if you read what I write you can see yourself in it. If you can't, I hope you find hope and healing in Jesus. The blog is linked here, and in all my profiles 

https://rebekahoum1.wixsite.com/lifewithezra