12/12/2022 Two Months Post Partum

12/12/20222

So here we are two months postpartum, two months of wondering who she could be, all that she would have graced us with. Her second heavenly milestone. I wonder about her all the time of who she could be. What she would look like. Two months of grieving all the should be’s, or could have been’s. Wondering how her dynamic would be with her big cousins, and wondering who she would be with her grandparents. There is so much that I wonder about all the time. I wish that we had the power to move a cloud just to see what heaven is really truly like. Constantly we are told that Heaven comes down, but I want HEAVEN to COME DOWN fully. Because the touches and glimpses are not enough.

It is a super odd season to live in life, and death. I feel like I have been walking it the best I can, as there is no “right way”. I am part of a group for mom’s, and dad’s like us who just share their grief of losing their babies. So I want to go to a place called Pain. I know so hard, a concept many of us run from. In order to heal you have to rest in a place of pain. I want to shed light on pain, a pain many of us will never feel, but try to go to this place of pain with me because this is my constant reality, and many other families' realities as well.

Let’s go to this painful place together as best as we all can. Imagine you are pregnant and to your naive mind everything is progressing so well, the baby moves all the time, you are constantly sick, and exhausted. You have had minimal cramping, and no bleeding. All the signs they say to watch for. You assume it is all going well. Then at your 20 week scan you are told your child has a life limiting diagnosis, and that your baby is incompatible with life here. Just IMAGINE.

There is also another story here that I read about a lot as well:

There are also many parents who have a whole other journey, where they have a very normal pregnancy like mine. Their NIPT test was clear, and their 20 week scan went well, and at 30+weeks there is no heartbeat, and they have no answers as to why their angel baby passed away. They rushed to an induction, all the while trying to grieve, and process what to do. Just imagine the depths of this pain. IMAGINE just for a second what your heart would feel like, what your soul would feel like. IMAGINE. Sit in what it could feel like. IMAGINE for your soul to go to the depths of this pain. IMAGINE for your heart to break 1,000 times over and over again.

I am not wishing pain on anyone, especially this type of pain, but I feel like in this season where we should be so grateful, I want others to appreciate what they have. When everyone knit picks how everything might be going wrong, well at least you got to take your baby home. You got to hear your baby actually cry, read them a book. Whatever it may be, be so internally and externally grateful. What I also share above is not to scare anyone, but to shed a light on pain if you can walk away feeling more grateful.

This is not how I ever imagined walking into motherhood, but this is it. How Kevin and I became parents is so different. I will say this time and time again if the Lord gives you the gift of fertility, and the gift to have an earthly healthy baby, and you take that baby home YOU HAVE to be so so grateful. The fact that I am now so much more gentle looking at families, not assuming the children you see are all that they have. Maybe they too are parenting a child in the clouds too.

Again remember to walk with love, and so much grace. Be grateful for all that you have. I am still so grateful, I just want to share this side. I am glad to share glimpses of our story. Hopefully someone can find healing as well. I know that many of us have heartbreaking stories, and they don’t just have to be child loss. No matter what it is, just be reminded that you are seen, and so loved. Our grief and suffering does not go unnoticed and we were never made to do life alone.